My Silence Is Broken by Just Chanel
Author:Just Chanel [Chanel, Just]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781505357165
Amazon: 1505357160
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Published: 2015-02-15T05:00:00+00:00
It was more than my daughter dying, it was more than him cheating on me, it was who and why that tore my insides apart like lightning. It was the voices of family members saying,
“I told you so!” they replied.
That saying ran through my mind like a stampede. Everything was true. I fooled myself into thinking that I would be different. I would somehow make him change his preference.
I wasn’t a man and nothing I could ever do would ever make me one. It might have been better if he was just able to admit it. The lies, the late nights, the whispering phone calls, the long bubble baths with the door locked all added up to be too much to digest in one sitting. It took years and years. The damage was beyond the infidelity. It was the downgrades of not being anything; not being able to be a good mother to my kids and even calling writing an elementary tool of communication.
That killed my confidence in what I loved. Writing was like medicine to me and after that, I didn’t have anything to resort to that would take the pain away. It was an internal sting. No balm, no ointment, no alcohol or peroxide could do anything for it. To make matters worse, we were attending church faithfully. From the outside, we looked happy. The shouting, the praising make it all look so good. I was praising to be delivered, to find a way out, and in all of that I was dying on the inside. He was spending more time with his friend and bringing him to the house.
The excuse was,
“No one has ever seen two men with a relationship like this. Just because we are close doesn’t mean we’re sleeping with each other.” He would say.
When you opened his computer, it was his picture was the screen saver and there were personal notes in the notepad. I was really no good for my daughter, because suicide became my main goal. It was the only way I saw out. The constant nurses in and out deterred the plan. Then came the night when the 3-11 nurse left a little early. The overnight nurse was going to be a little late. I took a bottle of pills from the cabinet and laid them out on the counter and I got a glass of water.
I literally cannot tell you what happened in the following moments. One moment, I was standing at the counter, the next, I was sitting on the couch with my hands on my belly crying. The door was opening and the nurse came in. She sat on the couch and I cannot tell you one word she spoke to me. I saw her lips moving and heard noise coming out of her mouth, but I could not discern what she was saying to me.
The days that followed is one big blur. I know I threw out almost everything that said I existed- I kept my license and my wallet-sized high school diploma so something would be available to identify my body.
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